One Year Ago Today...

... I took 'the' test. The results were two bright pink lines. I was pregnant! And on Father's Day weekend... how very perfect!! We were absolutely thrilled!!

In some ways it seems like a long time ago. In other ways it seems like it was very short. I contradict myself, I know. This year has been one of the hardest in my life. And yet it has also been a good one. I feel like I have a better view of who God is; of His love for me, His forgiveness, His grace, His redemption.

I 'thought' I was ready to be pregnant again... But after I knew that there was a new life inside of me, I wasn't so sure. I became nearly gripped with fear as old memories from the other two births came back. I would wake up at night and feel like I could almost not breathe. I thought I was hearing a baby cry... Tears would run down my cheeks as I remembered how I felt walking out through the big hospital doors and leaving my baby behind.

And then... I was 8 wks pregnant. I thought we were going to loose this baby. Somehow after 3 miscarriages, it's never very far from my mind. I cried out to God at night, asking Him to please take care of my baby. I wanted it so very, very much...

It was a pregnancy filled with emotions, sickness, and depression. I often begged God to show me who He really was. I cried... A LOT. I was scared and struggled to leave things in God's hands. I felt depressed. I was grouchy and irritable. I yelled at my children and said nasty things to Wes. I felt like this awful cloud was hanging over me; like something was squeezing the life out of me. I hated it... I hated who I had become. It was almost like this woman, that I didn't even know, had come to live with us. I wondered if I was even a Christian anymore...

But God was always there. He never left me even though He often felt far away. He sent angels to minister to my needs when I most needed them and felt like I couldn't go on. I'm sure he sent many angels my direction, but a few of them I will always remember.
My friend, Dru, left a box on our front steps. It was filled with yummy food, a bouquet of flowers and a note.
Esther Troyer prayed for me over the phone.
Grace washed my feet. It was communion and only God knows how weak I felt that night. And for those of you who don't know, my feet and legs are just plain ugly. A lot of people gasp when they see them. That night I wore a skirt that practically drug on the floor. I wanted to run away. I was scared to wash feet for fear I would burst into tears. But God is so wonderful. As I stood there, wishing I could disappear, she came my direction and asked me if she could wash my feet. And as I sat on that chair and lifted my skirt, revealing my ugly feet, veins and swollen ankles, washing feet took on a new meaning for me.

I suppose I could ramble on and on...

Today our baby is four months old. She is a gem, a precious gift from a loving God.

My depression didn't leave overnight. It was something I had to fight. Somedays it would still like to come back. Wes brought to my attention some lies that I was believing. Once I recognized them and began dealing with them and other issues in my life, I felt like I could breathe again. I feel like God has given me knew wings. I feel more alive then I have for a very long time. And I can't begin to describe how wonderful that is!!

This year hasn't been all bad. I have a deeper sense of who my Heavenly Father really is. He loves me so much! And he gave me this wonderful man... my husband. His love truly amazes me!!

Mya's name fits this past year perfectly! Mya means 'wished for child'... and that's exactly what she was. We wanted her so very much!!!  And Grace means 'God's favor'...

And if I could sum this past year up in one word, it would be grace... God has extended his grace to me and I am so grateful!!  It makes me want to be more gracious to other people...