Life is a Journey

Yesterday I heard someone describing what it is like to experience excruciating pain day after day, year after year. It gave me a new perspective. I personally greatly dislike being around people that are always depressed and telling any soul that will listen all the horrible things they've gone/been going through. I want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them. I want to yell at them and tell them that if they would only open their eyes and look around them, they would be able to find some body with a worse life then theirs. But, I've also never been in pain day after day, year after year....

It made me start thinking about life. God has a journey for all of us. Yours is different then mine. Some people are more open about their pain. Others keep it to themselves and few people know what is really going on in that person's heart.

 I hesitate to tell people my greatest fears. Either people just feel sorry for me, or my story seems incredibly insignificant to what they have gone through. I'm learning that telling myself that my pain shouldn't hurt, or that what I'm going through is no big deal, does not fix the problem or take the pain away. I have to face it; be real and allow myself to 'admit to myself' that this DOES hurt...

Yesterday I was 28 wks pregnant. I technically have 11 more weeks to go. With Aubrey, I went into premature labor at 28 wks and at 30 wks we discovered that my placenta was deteriorating. With Kyler, it was between 32 and 34 weeks that we discovered the same thing was happening. With both pregnancies, there were ultrasounds and ultrasounds, non stress tests, and a confused Dr. They couldn't make any sense out of it. Medically they could find no answers and we watched my fluid level drop lower and lower until the Dr felt the baby was better off 'out' then 'in'. Of course the extremely low fluid level affects the lung development, oxygen, and nutrition that the baby gets.

I'm finding myself becoming very anxious, up tight, and nervous. I dread going to the Dr next wk. I'm afraid to once again hear the words "You are measuring small"... So far everything has gone ok. The next month will either bring good news or bad news. I so desperately want the good news. I don't want to go through the anxiety, the pain, the emotional stress of having my baby ripped away from me. I don't want to be walking hospital halls 48 hrs after having a C section with ankles that measure nearly 6 inches around and a searing, burning pain from my incision. I don't want to be torn between my children at home and our new baby in the hospital. I don't want to feel lonely, sitting on a hard chair all day, with 100's of eyes on me. I don't want to smile when inside I'm crying and just want to be home. I feel this extreme fight with in myself. I want God's will for us/this child. I want to truly be in God's will and I keep telling myself that He will get us through anything. And yet, I'm torn between my desire for God's will and the desire to have everything happen MY way. I want to cuddle and nurse and talk to my baby. I want to come home and stay in my pj's for a week. I want... I want... I want... I tell myself that I shouldn't be letting this bother me. I/We've gone through nothing compared to alot of people. And yet I find myself waking up at night with this choking, paralyzing fear of having my baby taken away, not bonding and the guilt that goes with that, another nasty Dr. and rude nurses.

I do feel a lot more educated this time. I've done a lot of research in the last 2 years. I'm taking/using several different natural things that we are hoping will help. Kyler would never have needed to be transferred. The Dr. that was on call came in to check him and it was quite obvious that he 'didn't want to mess' with him. He never needed oxygen or anything like that. His oxygen level was slightly lower then normal, so they would have needed to watch that, but he was a chubby, pink baby. He looked nothing like our teeny, tiny, blue faced little Aubrey that was gasping for breath and had a very week cry. With having 2 babies early, I've learned the benefits of Kangaroo care. I've also learned about oxygen levels. And I've also learned that a mother must sign release papers in order for the baby to be transferred. No, I'm not going to do anything stupid. But I'm not giving in so easily as I did with Kyler. This time, we are trying Kangaroo care AND prayer before I release the baby. With Kyler I felt so numb. We couldn't think straight. It helps me to have more of a 'plan' this time around that both of us are agreed with.

And so...I should bring this rambling post to an end. It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday that we are each on a journey. Everybody has pain. Physical pain, emotional pain. I don't completely understand yours, you don't understand mine. After reading this, you may feel like grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me; yelling and screaming at me, trying to get it into my head that I've gone through NOTHING and that I have NOTHING to complain about. If so, you are probably right. We have two healthy, happy children. We are so very thankful.So far this pregnancy is fine. I am thankful. 'It' was kicking away this morning until Wes came in to kiss me good bye. Then 'it' held really still. I love how 'it' holds still when Daddy talks; as if it's holding it's breath, listening to every word and thinking, "That's my Daddy! I can't wait to meet him!!"  :-)

I'm praying that God would make me a more merciful, gracious, loving person. A person who is less critical of what other's are going through and how they 'handle the situation'. A person who loves and gives and tries to ease another's pain. I want to be a person that treats other's the way I want to be treated... with mercy and love and kindness, even if I don't understand what they are going through.

Praying that God would bless you with a good day and that no matter where you are on your own journey in life, that you would receive a very special 'hug' from Him!!!