An Update... God is Good!

Thursday morning found me on my way to my Dr. appointment. I had a tremendous uneasy feeling in my stomach that I tried to shake away. I prayed. I said verses. Somehow the tight fingers of fear had found their way around my heart and were squeezing with all their might. I didn't want to worry; I wanted to trust. and so I drove the 1/2 hr, praying and thinking. I kept looking at the clouds and the few flurries coming down and hoped that the weather would remain 'calm' until I was home.

I walked in and was greeted by the friendly receptionist who by now knows me by name. Everything went fine until the Dr measured my tummy. "Your tummy looks small", she said, as she pulled out her little tape. "Is the baby moving well?" "Yes," I replied, "The baby moves alot."  The fingers of fear squeezed tighter. "Oh, please, dear God, let the baby be ok!" You see, I've gone through all this twice before. I knew what was coming next. She checked my charts and left to find the other Dr. He came in and measured me again. I was smaller then I was 2 wks ago. They thought the baby felt the right size and 'he' kicked the Dr when she tried to feel 'him'.

"I think we should do an ultrasound just to be sure." Was Dr S's opinion and Dr L agreed. I knew what the ultrasound would show. "It's probably your fluid level." Dr. L said as she sat down to fill in my charts. "We will let you know what you need to do after we see the ultrasound. You will probably need to rest more and drink more water." I smiled and nodded. I thought of my 2 and 3 yr.old at home. Rest more. Sounds 'easy'! Drink more water... I already drink a gallon a day. I suppose 2 would be do-able??!!

I left the office with my papers/orders and fought tears all the way to the van. I called Wes and informed him of what was going on. I texted my MIL and told her it was going to take awhile. I wanted to pound the steering wheel in anger. Like really God. Could you please explain your plan in all of this? Am I not allowed to EVER have anything go my way?? And so I threw my tantrum. God was silent.

i went to Walmart. I had about 45 minutes to kill. i decided I may as well get a few last minute things... i got my fuzzy socks that i've been wanting to take to the Hospital, since my feet always freeze. They were out of nursing pads... go figure. Unless it was that I just couldn't find them in my state of mind. I smiled at the people who passed me; inside I was crying.

I left Walmart and proceeded to drive to the Hospital for my ultrasound. I had 10/15 minutes to go. The snow was falling fast, my cell ph died and I didn't have a car charger, my window wipers froze and refused to wipe right in front of my eyes, and Wes was 2 1/2 hrs away. Could anything else go wrong? My baby kicked and reminded me that he was still alive and snug in 'his' tight little cacoon.

I poured out my heart to God. I was angry! Life isn't fair! God didn't say much or at least I didn't hear much. I went through the Taco Bell drive through and ordered my favorite #7 combo. After eating and praying, I felt a lot calmer. I didn't want to be angry. I didn't want to yell at God. I wanted to be ok with whatever the outcome, but I felt lost and lonely and scared.

The ultrasound showed that the baby AND my fluid level was fine!! I don't exactly know how they measure fluid and all the numbers, but they don't really like the fluid level to be much over 14 and not under 5. Mine was 12.

The baby weighs approx 5lbs and 9 oz. It had it's little fists up by it's nose and I counted it's toes. It's little feet were right up by my ribs, where I knew they were.  :-) I gazed at it's little hands, feet, and little bump of a nose. I saw it's heart beating away. I wanted to 'take it out' and cuddle it. It's so close to my heart and yet it seems far away. I feel so in love with this little baby and I can't wait to gaze into it's tiny face.

So why was I measuring smaller then 2 wks ago?! I don't know. Does God perform miracles for people who aren't 'behaving properly'? I don't know. I do know that I was thankful and thrilled AND feeling a little guilty. How would I have responded if things would NOT have been fine? I pray that I would have been able to still thank God and lean on His strength. What will next week at the Dr. show? I don't know. But I feel calmer. this incident showed me once again that God is in control and He cares about me/us and he holds us in His hand.

So, if anybody has prayed for us, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Please keep on. I still feel somewhat apprehensive and the next 3 1/2 wks look slightly large. But I know in my heart that no matter what happens, I can trust my Father. He knows/sees the whole picture and he will guide us through.

I must run... My kidders need attention...  May you have a blessed day!!