Confessions from my Heart...

Do you ever look at somebody else and think they have it all together? That they know just what to say at the right time, while YOU are left fumbling for words?  Do you ever wish you could be perfect... even just for a moment? I do. I seem to always be the one fumbling for words while some of my friends are 'fluttering about', blessing and encouraging others. But I know the truth of the matter is that nobody has it all together, all the time. Everybody has moments where they 'fall apart'...

I'm experiencing one of those moments. Actually, I should say one of those periods in my life. I feel like I'm falling apart. I feel weak. I feel inadequate.  I am exhausted. There is nothing I HATE worse, then this feeling. I greatly dislike walking/stumbling around in my kitchen, attempting to clean it up, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I hate clutter. Nothing about me is strong right now... (except for my nose... yuck!) I'm in survival mode... and I don't like it one bit.

 I yelled at my daughter this morning for something she did that was not her fault. It was an accident.  I saw the hurt in her eyes. She ran away to hide her face. I felt like a wretch...

I made it through the morning... I thought I would get a nap, but no, I now realize that a nap will not happen. I am a mother. A Mom gives and gives and gives some more. Sometimes I am sick of giving. Sometimes I am just plain tired. I hate this feeling. It's not what I dreamed of feeling. No, I was always going to be the happy, cheerful, patient mother... you know, the kind of Mom that 'her children rise up and call blessed'...

I was always going to be a gem of a wife... guess again. Wes comes home in the evening and I can hardly give him a hug because he smells like sweat.  ( what can you expect after working outside all day?) What a welcome home! He's very sweet about changing his clothes before we eat, bless his heart... I should be the one taking care of him after a long day, but instead he comes home and takes care of me. What would I do with out him? I promised him last night that once I feel like cooking again, I will make him a good meal... Our anniversary came and went, nearly unnoticed. We have plans to celebrate once I feel up to it, and he's not putting in such crazy long days...

Sometimes I wake up at night almost paralyzed with fear. Fear of Akron Children's Hospital... Leaving my baby there for the night after hearing the 'Amber Alert'... Missing. A 9 month old baby boy in a white hospital t-shirt... fear of having my baby ripped away from me...again.

This afternoon I opened my Bible and read this...
Psalm 63
1. O God, you are my God,earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
2. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and glory.
3.Because your love is better then life, my lips will glorify you.
4. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.

Dry and weary... sounds like me. This song keeps running through my mind:

His strength is perfect, when my strength is gone. He'll carry us when we can't carry on, raised in His power, the weak become strong, His strength is perfect... His strength is perfect...

I hate survival mode... but I'm coming to the realization that this is where God wants me. When I am weak, I depend on him, I NEED him to carry me, because by myself, I can't keep going. God is my strength, with out him I am nothing, nothing at all.

Yesterday my children puked and puked and puked for 12 hours straight. I was at the end of my rope.I was scrubbing the puke off of the couch cushion, crying like a baby, and I heard this whisper, " Nobody cares about you. Nobody at all." I listened for awhile. A pity party felt good... for about 5 minutes. The truth is, there are people who do care. And even if nobody else does, God does. And he wants to take my burdens, I just have to give them up. He won't take them by force.

This is the real me... and I have dishes that need to be washed...